Thursday, February 12, 2009

Wee Angry Buddhist


[Apologies to Harry for riffing off his blog name]

Sometimes I get so sick of Buddhism.

I want to be a Buddhist -- oops, that might be desire or clinging. That's bad. Shouldn't do that.
Sigh...

I want to have an ongoing dialog with Teacher A. He's cool. I think I get what he says -- oops, Teacher A says he's not interested in being a teacher. Find someone local to talk to.
Crap, that's not what I want to do...

I should meditate 30 minutes twice a day. -- God that can be soooo f**king boring. I can't make even one day like that. I either blow of one session or stop early.
This sucks.....

Don't worry too much about meditating. Just sit as much as you can. Just be in the moment, in the moments that you can.
-- Well crap, no-one I know is recommending you can "be a buddhist" by just thinking about it. I've got to sit.
Damn.....

I want to do Jukai so I have that "your are a buddhist" merit badge to hand around my neck. --empty ceromonies are pointless.
WTF!

I won't worrry about Jukai, I'll just be uninitiated. -- Careful, what's Buddhism without an identified Sangha. That's one of the jewels, you know.
Piss!

I'll just walk away. Forget the last year. --You know your "will for the truth" will draw you back, and look at a the time you will have wasted throwing your fit.
Damn!

It's all so FREAKING COMPLICATED. Every wish is questioned as desire. Everything to identify with is empty. Everyone you want to question slips a mirror in your face..."ask him." Every father figure want's no children. A thousand page essay is used to explain that the only reality is the here and now. I'm trying to squeeze in the door of a really cool club by just sitting on a cushion and I just can't make it. I want to provoke, plunder and plead. But all the cold sage of Buddhism says is "go sit."

Sorry for the chaos, I'm going to sit.
-L

5 comments:

ZazenLover said...

Hello, I'm Jeremy. I enjoy your blog. Bassui's koan, "who or what is it that hears/sees/thinks thoughts?" is a good one to play around with if you can't force yourself to sit. Here's a video for ya, it takes a minute or so to get to him, but its of Shunryu Suzuki speaking(very Rare!!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w7umcFZEb7c

Barry said...

Ah, the thinking mind at play....

How wonderful to become familiar with the self! May we all continue to become more intimate with mind.

Lauren said...

ZL,

Thanks for stopping by, and for your support. I haven't watched the video yet, but I very much enjoy Suzuki Sensei, so I'm sure it will be encouraging.

Intellectually I think I get Bassui's koan, but I have not entered into it actually.


Barry,

I may try to mock up an 11th Oxherding picture which shows the dude mad as hell that he can't get the damn ox to go where he wants.

Cheers,
Lauren

justzazen said...

I don't know Lauren. Sounds to me like you are on the right path, and I'm just talking about my own personal experience. Oh wait, that assumes I'm on the right path, and . . . I'm not so sure about that. I think I should probably also just go and sit.

Hang in there.

Uku said...

Sounds to me that you're in the center of Buddhist practice, you're experiencing the essence of Buddhism. If those kind of questions won't arise from our practice, something is wrong.

Buddhism and especially practicing zazen is freaking boring and if we're too idealistic, then boringness can be a problem. If we are trying to achieve something through our practice, our tricky mind can make us look like fools. Sitting is just sitting, practicing Buddhism is just becoming more stupid. Simple life.

I'm using a term Zen Finger for moments when practicing doesn't feel so good. I'm showing finger to my deluded thoughts and idealistic point of views. I sit because it helps me. If it doesn't feel good, *finger with a smile* I just sit.

Thank you, Lauren. Important post! Take care, keep on practicing! Be cool. :)