Sunday, August 22, 2010

Mara Attacks

I had two days of very focused practice. Yesterday Mara stopped by and attacked. Now I feel shame, self-disgust, paranoia and anger. Picking up. Brushing off. Another step. Am I close to real change, or just creating drama to kid myself?

Reading about the dark night of the soul convinces me I may be near real change.

Thinking I may be near real change convinces me I'm fooling myself.

This is where a teacher/guide would be handy. Gotta find me one of those.

Bows to all you good people.

6 comments:

Jordan said...

I have often heard, that when the student is ready the teacher appears... Today I read an interesting spin on that: When the teacher is ready, the student appears.

Lauren said...

Jordan,

Good to hear from you. Have you found good students and teachers on Okinawa?

I keep intending to get down to the " local" zen center, and fail to actually do it. This last weekend I had my resolve under contol, but the place was closed for summer break. Now a multifamily float down a river is planned for next weekend. I may just have to pick an early work morning to go down for 6 am zazen.

Uku said...

Hi Lauren,

wow, sounds like you're in the heart of your practice! Mara is a dear friend to me but even good friends are assholes sometimes. That's life, nobody's perfect in a way we want 'em to be. Dropping off... keep on practicing... shit!

All the best to you!

Lauren said...

Yeah, Uku.

Talk about a butt buddy! Whenever I start getting in a good zazen schedule groove, Mara seems to pop out of some dark hole and frustrate me. However, I will indeed keep practicing. Thanks!

Jordan said...

Hi Lauren,
I had one regular sitter, but he went stateside.
I'm closing for the Fall patrol and probably wont be open again until after next spring patrol. Busy deployment schedule this year and well, it sucks to be needed.

MyoChi said...

Lauren - it is perfectly fine to be attacked by Mara..the key is to be aware that you are being attacked rather than being engulfed in it..you are already there, my friend..bows to you..:)

Jordan - LOL. I had to laugh at - it sucks to be needed..I am in the same place..being needed too much..Oh universe - please help me get some breathing room in my schedule!!