Sunday, December 28, 2008

Name Change


I've had to change my blog name. The former one was too self-centered. I really have nothing special to bring to the Buddhist game. I am so flawed. I've had a terrible fight with my daughter. I keep thinking I've got hold of something "holy." I don't. I'm just an "ugly bag of mostly water" and I keep making mistakes, and I'm not happy all the time, nor content. So clearly I don't get Buddhism yet. I feel like I've got to start again. Keep it simpler. Study the precepts and take their warnings to heart. Do zazen more. I can't let myself wallow in self pity. I've got to learn to see the world that's right in front of me, here and now, and take right-action. I'm very sad and I'm afraid to write that here. But this is supposed to be a blog about my zen experience. So here's the peak behind the curtain. I'm not composed or sure of myself. I have a vague optimism that keeps me going. A fantasy of peace and acceptance of things as they are. But I fight so hard. I'm often quite mean. And good. And kind. And selfish. And petty. All over. Every characteristic. And I always worry if I'm doing the right thing. I'm so tired of that. I just want to get along with my daughter. That's it. And it hurts so bad when we don't. Why have all the 'patriarchs' written about kensho and reality and such pointless topics. I need advice on parenting. I need to know what the 'right way' is. When to be strict when to be soft. How to accept myself when my child is deeply mad at me. Maybe I've never properly grown up. Maybe I never got enough external validation from my own parents to be sure of myself. There still has to be a right way forward despite all that. I'm still fully responsible for ...how much? At what point does a child become their own person and make their own decisions on their own responsibility? What a mess of a blog. How embarassing to post. But if there's anyone who reads this that is also unsure, confused, struggling ... please keep going. Please keep looking for the right way. I think it's available. I think it's right under our noses if we can just see correctly. Let go. I think....

4 comments:

Jordan said...

Lauren,

Thank you for this inspirational post.

I appreciate your courage in posting it.

A few days ago I was witness to a conflict between my wife and mother. I stood by and made matters worse by getting caught up in it despite my best intentions.

“Getting Buddhism” is not so hard; practicing it moment to moment however can be a challenge. But it is important just to take it as it comes and to recognize our mistakes as they are and kindly try to avoid them in the future. The thing is I think we keep making those mistakes until we learn the lesson.

Persevere brightly,
Jordan

Lauren said...

Thanks, Jordan.

I've found another point I have to improve on is "taking full responsibility." I feel like I am just learning what that phrase means.

Cheers,
-Lauren

molly said...

LOVE your honesty. It is beautiful. And I think you get it perfectly. Just begin again!
Peace and happy new year, Molly

mama p said...

Wow, Lauren... I am so glad I popped over to check out your blog :) Thank you for "embarrassing" yourself! That's the kind of honesty the path requires, don't you think? But please don't be so hard on yourself. The mistakes are key! Two things keep me going: I think it was Katagiri Roshi who said, "Samsara is mistake after mistake after mistake". #2 is "Samsara is Nirvana".

I hear ya on "parenting advice". I was the World's Worst Mother today. Glad to meet you :) Pilar (from over at One Bright Pearl...)