Sunday, September 20, 2009

Errors and Hindrance

Even something as simple as Chodai Kesa no Ge (previous post) has so much in it. It can be learned and repeated by rote. But I am uncomfortable with that. Plus, I love to muck around with Japanese. So, in looking more into the verse, I've found a couple errors in my previous post. The most frustrating is in the first line. For sure "da" is not in the same kanji as "ge", but I'm still not clear if the "tsu" in "datsu" is normal or 'sokuon'. That is, whether the proper way is "ge datsu fuku" or "ge daffuku." The later is what Nishijima Roshi recommends here. But other trusted sources say it's not sokuon. Still digging.

A friend noticed I haven't posted in a while. He's certainly right. I've find I've had so much going on, its not clear what is value added to the world to post on. I am returing again and again to the question of whether I "am" a buddhist. Sit often, but not twice a day, and certainly not for 30 min twice a day. I feel I should. I accept that I don't... almost.

I wear my rakusu and do the chant before sitting. I've taken the precepts and strive to uphold them. I've managed to not drink for a week now. Yet I read the books of any buddhist author and am certain I am no buddhist. I dont' sit enough, or well enough. I don't know enough ceremony. I haven't made it down to the local Soto Zazenkai since Brad was here in April. I've never had dokusan with a teacher. Yet I know all this minutea is not what "it" is. Yet I know I'm not doing it.

Quite a Sueng-esque knot. I "don't know" if I "don't know" well enough.

Sigh.... just babble. No clarity. I believe there is no hindrance, but surround myself with hindrance.

I don't post, cause I have nothing I'm proud of. Nothing to brag about. Nothing wise to expound. Just trying to sit better each time I sit. Trying to be goal-less.

What a mess... yet again.

4 comments:

Jordan said...

To paraphrase what good friend always says, knowing your wrong may be the best friend you can have.

I appreciate your posting.

Jeremy said...

I think this kind of honest expression in your blog can be learned from. Maybe quotes and wise words, advice,etc....maybe these things aren't absolutely necessary. Maybe its more subtle things...like being mirrors..sharing thoughts, whether clear or not. Just sharing them..we can learn. I dunno...we're looking for truth...and if we express what's going on at a given moment, maybe we're closer to it. Instead of resisting it. I dunno. But, hope things are well for ya. Take care

Lauren said...

Jordan,

I like that either way you parse "your" or "you're". Thanks...


Jeremy,

Yes, I agree. I am looking for truth. I sometimes get more personal push from more 'cumbersome' but honest blog entries. Maybe I want to know other's warts, but feel odd revealing my own. Aren't we people strange!

Things are, indeed, well.

Jeremy said...

Lauren,
i posted a new blog entry trying to throw down some "warts." I don't know if it'll suffice...lol.....but anyway...Take care! :)