Sunday, May 17, 2009

The Pain of Silence

I was terrible to someone I should not have been terrible to. A relationship I value. I may have busted it pretty bad. Time will tell. Jordan suggested to me that if I learn from it, its not such a big mistake. So this is some of my learnin'. I gave a good hard look at what was going through my mind, and I think it all had to do with silence.

In sync with this discovery is that I find I am quite unnerved by the lack of comments to my last blog entry. I had posted a bunch of "honest" stuff that left me feeling quite exposed...and there were no comments. I took it all down, and felt like I was re-nigging on the "honest scrap" deal I had been given....and there were no comments. So I rewrote it a bit, more optimistically...and there were no comments. For anyone who may be reading this, I do not mean to cast any blame with this. I am actually a bit embarassed by this. It is simply a fact.

This blog is, of course, also a relationship. The comments I get generally fulfill my friendship needs in my life. I'm not sure this is a good thing anymore, but it certainly is true. So when the comments stopped, I started feeling unhinged.

So when there are relationships I need, and they go silent, I get a little crazy. Why? There are probably many explanations I and a therapist could find. We could probably lay out some of the cause-effect that went on early in my life. More importantly, though, I think I will have to fully embrace this "weakness" to fall into the truth completely. I need to unfold some of the erroneous logic that must be knitted in my character that equates how others respond to me as a basis for feeling worth and comfort.

If I think that people don't care for me any more (whether my thoughts reflect the true situation is immaterial) why does this hurt? What is this thing, this self-worth, that is so important for we humans? What does Zen have to say about the value of our existence? Am I really *needed* here?

Looking at some of the Buddhist commentary I have read, I guess the best there is to say is that I just am. There is no value nor lack of value in this fact. How can I address this need I have to be valued, to care so much about whether people communicate with me?

This is, no doubt, a basic human issue, and the cause of much duhka in the world. I hope it is not the work of several kalpas, but that I can drop through the bottom of the bucket on this in the next few years.


zazenlover said...

I apologize my friend, I did read one of those entries, I usually plan on coming back to write comments sometimes later in the week, when I finally log in. I'm here to definitely make friends. I've noticed that sometimes my list doesn't show every there's a glitch sometimes. I just about have to go to people's pages and look down their page.

I think we all enjoy being validated in one way or another...that psychic structure is still there even though we've moved into another social environment. I'm reading your stuff even if I don't comment...and if you haven't erased it yet. I do admire bloggers because they're more honest and real than some people you meet in person. I've erased my stuff too and I've also felt like you do as well. Sometimes I read, but I'm in a hurry..and don't want to put down a quick reply without much thought. I try to put some thought, or at least wait until my blood sugar is fairly even. Tonight I'm just tired, but wanted to write you something and let ya know I'm reading. peace, -j

Jordan said...

Hey Lauren,
Keep in mind that we aren't all on the same time hack.

Give it time, and don't get wrapped around the axle about comments. I totally don't get the algorithm they come from.

Uku said...

Hi Lauren,

sometimes life just sucks, sometimes it doesn't. Your posts are so sincere and inspiring, keep 'em coming!

I don't know anything about Zen (tm) but I know that practicing Zazen can really help us in our problems. Life is just life.

Take care, Dharmabro!


Barry said...

When my wife turns away from my "needs," I get pissed. Why won't she give me what I want!

It's been hard, but I've learned that her behavior isn't the issue. It's my own mind that's causing the problem for me.

So I've been studying the expectations I've brought to this relationship, and it hasn't been easy, and it has caused some problems.

But when I'm honest about my disappointment and my expectations - when I'm willing to give them voice - then somehow it sucks the energy out of these feelings and I return to neutral.

It's hard to believe when I'm ramped up about something, but feelings really don't have any self-nature and they do pass away.

As far as comments go, I'm with Jordan: I totally don't get the algorithm they come from. I can post a "great" post on Ox Herding and it gets nothing; whereas I can toss out some filler and people are all over it. Again, this says more about me, probably, than about the Ox Herding community.

Thanks for writing about this!

Lauren said...

ZL, Jordan, Uku and Barry,
Thanks for your words, advice and perspectives.

"Don't get wrapped around the axle"

I seem to love wrapping around axles. Now that I can more clearly see how I do this, perhaps there will be less of it.

Deep bows to all.

impactednurse said...

Be careful my friend. Comment crack can be a slippery slope to a backpack full of attachment.
The emptiness of no comments might just be the best comment of all.
Just write for the writing of it.

Take care.

NellaLou said...

Consider writing without expectation as the previous commenter inferred. Words are a risk. Putting it out there for anyone. Give yourself credit for having the courage.

And to you and those who erase, re-write, edit things into oblivion please don't do that to yourself. It is a negation of who you are at that moment. History cannot be rewritten even if words can. You were as you were at that moment. Now you are not at that moment so you are different. Let is rest as that. Then this moment will have less baggage. And further moments less baggage still.

Consider Lauren, what lack you are suffering that you want to fill with other's comments. That lack is one of the keys to your freedom. Let that lack fill with who you really are not who others would comment you into being.

Just a few of the many thoughts your posts have brought up.

Be well.

Lauren said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lauren said...

Reposted with typo fixed

"Comment crack" is a perfect name for my disease, now the only thing for it is more cowbell {BTW - that's a reference to a Christopher Walken SNL may be too obscure}.


Yes, part of the pain in taking down the post was a feeling of "killing" part of me that wanted life.

"That lack is one of the keys to your freedom. Let that lack fill with who you really are not who others would comment you into being."

Rather like water soaking into parched earth.

Thanks both for your insights.

Harry said...

Suck it all up the one straw, Big Guy.

It may be shitty, but it's all we got.

I suck!



Lauren said...

Only observation, not so much lamentation. Just catching my breath before another big draw on the straw.