I was terrible to someone I should not have been terrible to. A relationship I value. I may have busted it pretty bad. Time will tell. Jordan suggested to me that if I learn from it, its not such a big mistake. So this is some of my learnin'. I gave a good hard look at what was going through my mind, and I think it all had to do with silence.
In sync with this discovery is that I find I am quite unnerved by the lack of comments to my last blog entry. I had posted a bunch of "honest" stuff that left me feeling quite exposed...and there were no comments. I took it all down, and felt like I was re-nigging on the "honest scrap" deal I had been given....and there were no comments. So I rewrote it a bit, more optimistically...and there were no comments. For anyone who may be reading this, I do not mean to cast any blame with this. I am actually a bit embarassed by this. It is simply a fact.
This blog is, of course, also a relationship. The comments I get generally fulfill my friendship needs in my life. I'm not sure this is a good thing anymore, but it certainly is true. So when the comments stopped, I started feeling unhinged.
So when there are relationships I need, and they go silent, I get a little crazy. Why? There are probably many explanations I and a therapist could find. We could probably lay out some of the cause-effect that went on early in my life. More importantly, though, I think I will have to fully embrace this "weakness" to fall into the truth completely. I need to unfold some of the erroneous logic that must be knitted in my character that equates how others respond to me as a basis for feeling worth and comfort.
If I think that people don't care for me any more (whether my thoughts reflect the true situation is immaterial) why does this hurt? What is this thing, this self-worth, that is so important for we humans? What does Zen have to say about the value of our existence? Am I really *needed* here?
Looking at some of the Buddhist commentary I have read, I guess the best there is to say is that I just am. There is no value nor lack of value in this fact. How can I address this need I have to be valued, to care so much about whether people communicate with me?
This is, no doubt, a basic human issue, and the cause of much duhka in the world. I hope it is not the work of several kalpas, but that I can drop through the bottom of the bucket on this in the next few years.
1 week ago